“The Mind is not a vessel to be filled, but a fire to be kindled.”
-Plutarch, On Listening to Lectures
For the past few months I’ve been providing business mentoring to a fellow Austinite who is active in the social media scene. This is our story so far.
Would You Be My Mentor?
flickr photo by Billie Jane
The date: February 12, 2009. The place: Aces Lounge on 6th Street, Austin. The event: Austin Twestival, a sort of tweetup/charity mashup to raise money for water wells in Africa. The place was a sea of Austin Social Media types. Lots of familiar faces, some I didn’t know at all, and some I knew only from Twitter, including the young man I said hello to at the bottom of the stairs.
“You’re the first person to call me by my Twitter name!” said Craig*. After a brief conversation, he added, “Would you be willing to mentor me?” “Sure!” I answered, without a moment’s hesitation. It wasn’t until I got home and my head was hitting the pillow that I wondered – mentor him for what?
What Not to Do
We met a couple of weeks later at a coffee shop. I started the conversation by trying to define what I thought mentoring was all about (listening, identifying goals and problems, guiding him toward his own solutions), and what I was (and wasn’t) willing to provide. “I am not here to give you advice,” I told him confidently. “That’s fine,” he answered. Together, we identified his two main goals, one long-term (the creation of a community website devoted to social change), the other short (making some changes in his role at his job). Putting the long-term goal aside for the time being, Craig launched into an explanation of what was going on for him at work, and I proceeded to give him advice for the next hour and a half on practically every situation which was vexing him. Whoops. Not a very auspicious beginning.
Following this meeting, Craig, acting in part on my brilliant advice, proceeded to have a rocky week at work. He sent me the play-by-play as the drama unfolded between him and his supervisors as he pushed for new responsibilities and others in the organization pushed back. I freaked out a little. Did I cause this? If he gets fired is it my fault? How responsible am I for this guy’s career?
Om
flickr photo by chaojikazu
I’m not a Buddhist, but I play one on the internet, and as my anxiety level began to rise over this situation, I dipped into my understanding of Buddhist principles combined with some fabulous self-help mantras and pulled out “loving detachment.” Craig was the captain of his own ship, and I was firmly planted here, on the shore. It wouldn’t hurt for me to point out the rocks and the shallows, but I was hardly responsible for his course. As it turned out, Craig didn’t get fired. He’s made some headway (and had some frustrations) at work, and continues to plug away with his ultimate goal in mind.
Before we reconvened, I got clear with myself about what I could and could not do for Craig. This mostly involved setting some boundaries for myself. I would, in fact, refrain from giving him advice. Or rather, I’d try really, really hard to refrain. And I would focus on the two most beneficial things I could provide: Active Listening and Goal Setting.
Active Listening
flickr photo by BL4d3RuNr
The most important behavior in communication is listening. Listening doesn’t just mean shut up and don’t talk. It means actively, emphatically even, listening to the words of the speaker. This takes great practice and discipline, as most of us tend to tune out and wander off into our own thoughts. If we are engaged in an argument, we frequently spend our “listening” time preparing rebuttals. If we are know-it-alls (like yours truly), we might spend the time preparing brilliant advice to shower on our grateful audience. True, clean, active listening involves simply focusing on the speaker. A good active listener interrupts only to clarify, or to briefly indicate understanding. Periodically, she summarizes what she has heard, and asks the speaker if she’s getting it right. That’s it.
I know, it sounds hokey, and it does take some work before it feels natural and not like an exercise on some sort of weekend marital counseling retreat. (“What I hear you saying, is you don’t love me any more. Did I get that right?” “Yes, dear.”) But the results are huge. If the goal is to allow the speaker not only to be understood, but to clarify his thoughts, you can do no better than to be his active listener.
Goal Setting
flickr photo by matsukawa1971
You’ve heard it before: in order to make your goals a reality they should be concrete, measurable, and attainable. That’s a good jumping-off point, but for many of us the missing piece is accountability. If you keep your goals between yourself and your Moleskine, the notebook isn’t likely to call you on it when, come January, you still haven’t updated your LinkedIn profile or learned how to play Chinese Checkers. A mentor, on the other hand, can check in on your progress, and motivate you towards your goal. Just knowing that someone else out there is paying attention to your progress can be motivation to keep going under discouraging circumstances.
A Work in Progress
This post is certainly not meant to be a primer on mentoring. This is my first experience working with someone in this capacity, and I still have a lot to learn. Craig and I will meet later this week, and I’ll practice active listening and check in on his goals. I’ll try to stifle my temptation to advise. I’ll work on remaining detached from his actions and choices, and focus on providing support and encouragement. I’ll observe, look for patterns and point them out. I won’t be afraid to call it like I see it, which I’m pretty well known for, and I would guess is one of the reasons he asked me for help in the first place. And I definitely won’t be his therapist, promoter, boss, or angel (spiritual or financial). We’ll take it from there.
*name changed to protect the innocent.
